Part of the nonsense surrounding the apparent origin of the C.S.O. from a small fictional island in the Pacific involved the invention of a language. Umfaloan is a very incomplete and grammatically dubious language, but for entertainment I lay out below a complete glossary of Umfaloan terms established so far. Never again perhaps can one Coconuteer mutter ‘esa pilocha’ to another and hope not to be understood.

It seems a good place to start by outlining a translation of the words that every young Umfaloan learns to bellow at the top of their voice with pride; those of the national anthem Bosh Isa. A short clip from Ben’s studio recording can be heard here.

Below this you will find the Umfaloan numbers which only go up to 999 (it is a very small island), and then the complete but somewhat limited Umfaloan dictionary. The pronunciation guides are not in true phonetics but are hopefully decipherable, and the pronunciation of Bosh Isa can be gleaned from the Essential Words and Phrases section.

(Learn the golden tongue of Umfaloa – Speak english you fool)

Bosh isa bosh isa n basan cosh isa ban – Spank me spank me and have your way with me

Abs esa epung vum lo Umfaloa – These words we hear each day in Umfaloa

Weh usa nass tuc um abs usa ib bonus tevena – If you don’t know these words you are a big tit

Che see aban um abs ooah – For here these are the words of love


The Numbers

Count like a coconut – Count like the BBC

ib – (rhymes with ‘dib’)


jiglos – (pron. jig-loss)


efh – (pron. ‘efth’.. this tastes awful!)





iben – (rhymes with gibbon)




and so on… (n n – ‘and and’ in Umfaloan)







n n…



















one hundred

two hundred



Hopefully this now means that you can now understand bolsash-efhen-bob as four hundred and fifty-nine. If so, pour yourself a congratulatory drink.. most Umfaloans are a little rusty beyond 300.


The Essential Words and Phrases

Tongue in the SunTongue in the rain

abanen – (ab-ban-un) – to be

abs – (rhymes with labs) – word(s)

absan – (abs-un) – to talk

esa – (ace-uh) – we

aiya – (aye-yah) – hurrah

ban – freedom / the right of the individual to be outrageous and have a damn good time

basan – (rhymes with gas…) – to get / to have / to get to have

bonus – (as in english) – great / of luxurious proportion

boshan – (bosch-un) – to spank

cha – (like char without the r) – shit

chaawa – (rhymes with wah-wah) – thick skin; hide of a large animal

che – (rhymes with they) – because

coshan – (rhymes with boshan) – to make good use of

epungan – (a-pungan) – hear / listen

esa – (rhymes with greaser) – he / she / they / it

ewlus – (ool-us) – orifice

isa – (rhymes with spicer) – I

lo – in

marchanto – vocal percussion / general oral imitation of instruments

n – (‘nn’) – and

n n – and so on

nass – (rhymes with gas) – no / not / (negative)

pah – (short) – ‘God’

pilo – (pee-loh) – full of

pung – (like a plucked string) – sound / music

pungan – make music / sound

ray – rear

re – (ree.. with rolled r) – yes

see – (zee) – here

smulinga – (smoo-ling-ah) – stink(ing)

tevena – (teh-vein-ah) – tit

um – (rhymes with the first syllable of woman) – the / these

vum – (rhymes with um) – daily / can imply endless tedium (‘vum vum vum’ – day after day after..)

wangan – to take a leak. Various inflections reflect the urgency of the situation

weh – (way) – if


Gor that? Limited the vocabulary may be but a surprising amount can be said. Perhaps now you can comprehend the following :-

“Um chapung esa absan aban vum vum n smulinga.”

“Re. Wehnass esa nasspung isa basan ban esa!”

If your understanding matches the english below then you are automatically granted a visa to the beautiful island of Umfaloa. If not, then you can at least take away the gift of being able to curse at your boss while being almost certain that they won’t understand and fire you.

“The racket of that lot talking is most tedious and unpleasant.”

“Yes. If they don’t shut up I’m going to have my most outrageous way with them!”

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